


When I Think About Love

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Episode Related, Fluff, Improv, Romance, Season/Series 05, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-19
Updated: 2005-05-19
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:20:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: A life-changing event finally makes Brian admit to himself what he knew for a very long time, but then things start to crack at the seems between him and Justin. What will Brian do to save all that he cares for?





	When I Think About Love

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

A/N : First, everyone, pls forgive me for the longest A/N ever, k? *grins* Now…Well, with all the spoilers coming our way, I guess people are “losing their religion” about the happy ending for B&J. Fortunately, my brain works differently. LOL I tend to go with the flow, but kinda hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. :D And then, rationalize it to death whatever comes my way. So, as you can see, denial is lovely this time of year. LOL But, I decided after S4 ended that I will enjoy entire S5, every fucking second of it, even if world goes to hell in the hand basket, and damnit, I WILL!. :) So, I would like to ask just one thing of the people that will actually read this story. **Please, just don't talk about the spoilers in details here, cause I simply don't wanna know every little thing about every eppy before it airs, k?** I know basic things that will happen this season, but still wanna enjoy the little things, you know? OK. And I do hope someone will enjoy this story, although I know it doesn't hold the candle to some of the works of art, that QAF writers have been writing lately and that I enjoyed immensely. Still, this is **my** QAF ending. And be aware that, although I usually don't write this sugary, this time you are entering deep, deep waters of schmoop/fluff, k? For which I don't intend to apologise, cause that would be a sacrilege at this point. *grins* So, just for the record, this might be at times just a lil dangerous for your sugar level. LOL Song lyrics at the beginning are from the beautiful song “Spoiled” by Joss Stone. All the mistakes made are mine, unfortunately, since my beta is unspoiled. Finally, all feedback will be adored  & appreciated as always. :p

* * *

**PART 1**

 

_…I've never seen the word love  
so personified as I do with you…_

 

A fluorescent light was madly spinning all over the Babylon walls, drowning the room in the patterns of a psychodelic rainbow. The sea of firm male bodies crashed against each other like waves against the shore, as the beat of the song moved them in a hypnotic dance rhythm. This was actually an everyday event. A day probably like any other to this part of Pittsburgh's gay population. A non-stop grinding to the familiar sound, followed by the occasional trip to the backroom. 

Really nothing new or special to the visitors of Liberty Avenue.

Still, a group of four friends standing by the bar had something completely different on their minds. Something nobody would ever expect of them, and still, in a way, a topic that would be accepted as normal at this point. A conversation about a one particular couple and a wedding that never happened.

A wedding, that they never even thought it would even be a real possibility. 

Actually, what they felt was as if the world tilted, while they weren't looking. And then completely ran off on a tangent into an unknown teritory.

“God, can you believe it? After all the hoopla, to end it like this?”

Of course, Emmet asked the one question everyone was just dying to put out there for discussion. Ted shook his head, frowning, as if he even couldn't comprehend it all. Jeez, if he had a clue what was going on in Brian's head, he wouldn't be such a butt of the man's jokes for all these years, now would he. Hell, who really knew what was really going on in that head? Well, probably Justin. OK, most definitely Justin. But to Ted, Brian's mind seemed like a maze without any exits 90 % of the time. So, he prefered to stay out of Brian's way, as much as possible. After all, it's better to be safe, then sorry. And he had way too many things to be sorry about.

“If someone asked me five years ago would Brian even consider marriage, I would die laughing right at the spot, you know? I mean, Brian Kinney, a married man? It sounds freaky, even as an abstract idea. Doesn't it?”

Everyone nodded, knowing exactly what Michael was talking about. A mind-boggling idea, all right. But, _this_ Brian? He was someone they could actually see considering a married life. Sure, he would do it in his own style with his own rules, but it would be a marriage nonetheless.

“Well, I wasn't here right from the beginning of their relationship, but I think we can all agree that the best thing that ever happened to Brian Kinney was Justin Taylor.”

Emmet grinned silently at Ben's words. Justin **was** the best that happened to Brian. And to think that, that little blond twink had the power to tame the beast of Liberty Avenue was... well, beyond unbelievable, really.

“You know, I would be the last to ever say something like this, so don't send me to the insane asylum, but I just have to say one thing. Ever since I started working for Brian, spendind time with him on a day to day basis, seeing him interact with clients and people that work for him and with him... It made me see him in a somewhat different light. Not softened, really, but just... different.”

Ted observed slowly, and watched faces of his longtime friends. They understood. After all, Brian was always like a glue that held them together.

“Exactly, Teddy! Who would ever guess, that for the big, bad wolf to change, we would only need a blond twink?” Everybody laughed hearing Emmet's words. 

“And not any blond twink, Em.” Ben winked at Emmet, who grinned at him in the way only Emmet is capable of. With as much over-the-top persona as possible.

“Well, whatever happens after tonight, I wish them the best.”

Ted's words rang in the air, filling out the room around the boys, almost bouncing off the walls of Babylon. 

Soon to be lost in a vacuum.

He rose a champagne flute in the air, a smile on his face. After everything they went through, he was grateful that Brian Kinney counted him, counted all of them among the people he considered friends. A family, really.

Entire group rose their own glasses, as a familiar melody filled the room. 

This was a song they all remembered as a **real** beginning of Brian and Justin epic. A song when Michael finally started to realize that he and Brian will never be more than best friends. 

A song that changed all Brian Kinney's rules without a single question.

“To Brian and Justin!”

The notes of _Let's hear it for the boy_ once more put the whole dancing stage into a trance-like state. And to be totally honest, a silent ‘thank you’ was sent to whoever put Justin Taylor on Brian's path.

In the end, it made all the difference.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**At the same time, on the outskirts of Pittsburgh**

 

A slick, classic corvette was turning onto the short asphalted road, that led to a two-story house. It stood proudly between a pair of chestnut trees, as their branches danced silently in the wind.

To whoever saw that spot, it would look too much like a scene out of some kind of fairytale. But to the two men still sitting in that car, it meant much more.

_Something deeper._

It meant a future.

Finally pulling to a stop in front of the house, two shadows holding hands and walking closer than ever, entered the building. On the inside, once empty house was basked with moonlight, that streamed in through the windows. It looked eerily beautiful.

Somehow... _unreal._

One lonely candle sat on the table in the middle of what would be a living room, once all the furniture was in its rightful place. A match was stricken and the flame slowly brought a reverent atmosphere to the place. It put the smallest of smiles to the taller man's face.

He would never, in thousand years, considered himself a romantic, but this was as close to romantic as it got in his book. His attention was, like every single time before, pulled to the smaller blonde, who stood in front of the window.

Gently bathed in the rays of moonlight, that kept dancing across his face, made the young man look almost ethereal. _Out of this world._

Standing right there, in the middle of the room, staring at him, Brian knew exactly what he wanted to do. Wanted to ask.

Two of them did decide to cancel the wedding at this point in time, but the wish for such connection still existed in both of them. Brian felt that deep inside more than anything.

Because, tommorrow morning, Justin would be on a plane to New York, on his way to new experiences and opportunities. To catch up on life in a way. But, it seemed as if he wasn't going alone.

After their last heart-to-heart, Brian realized that a new beginning was on the horizon for them. It was only on him alone to decide what he really wished for.

To stumble through life on his own again or just grab whatever chance he could with Justin?

And what suprised even him, there was really no doubt in his mind what he would choose. So, planning ahead, he cleared out with Cynthia next 8 weekends and simply reserved them for trips to New York. Finally, he was sure of his future. Of their future together. Only one thing left to do. And he knew it would cement things between them.

Blindly, he checked again his jeans' pocket for what he needed and inhaled slowly. 

_This was it._ This was the moment, that would really change their lives forever.

Feeling more than slightly nervous, Brian almost stumbled his way to where his future awaited, still glowing under the crystal clear moon.

In the next moment, he found himself standing right behind Justin, holding the young man in his arms. Keeping him right where he belonged, while the moon played like a child across Justin's soft features. Making him shine brighter than the sun and moon put together.

And like that, they stood there for the longest time. Just keeping the connection alive.

Breathing. _Existing._

“Justin... ” Brian whispered into Justin's neck, breathing him in at the same time.

Nothing.

Justin just stood there silent, watching the moon dance in the sky. And most probably already on the worrying path about the impending trip. About what was standing right in front of them. Staring them straight in the face.

“Justin, look at me. Please.” Once again, Brian tried to pull him back, palming gently his cheek and turning him around, so they were now face to face. Most beautiful blue eyes met the hazel ones and a tiny smile was shared.

“Oh, sunshine… ”

Sweetest lips met, lovingly sliding against each other, scorching tounges commiting already known teritory to the memory. Leaving them desperate and breathless. The need for the other so undeniable. 

But Brian would not lose his patience now. His mind focused on only one thing.

“Sunshine, I know what I want now. What I always wanted. And I know there will be new rules from now on for both of us. I just want to ask you for one thing.”

The trust in Justin's eyes was almost blinding. And so heartwarming to Brian.

“I know that for now, our time together will be somewhat limited, but you can be sure that what I... feel for you now will be as strong as always.” 

At that admission, Justin grinned at the man he loved more than anyone. He felt _proud_. Proud of the man he always knew Brian was under the surface. Right from the very beginning.

“So, answer me just one question, sunshine... ” 

Justin waited, searching the eyes of the man standing in front of him.

“Would you still… ?” 

Last two words were whispered so silently, that it was almost impossible to decipher what he said. As if he was afraid of the answer he might get in return. But Justin knew. He always did.

And the grin that Justin sent his way, when Brian took the ring out of the box, was hypnotizing. Completely and utterly amazing. And hot as a fucking hell. Both of them felt the heat. Slowly, Brian slid the ring on Justin's finger, twirling it self-conciously. 

Their eyes met, as time froze. Tenderly, Justin slid the remaining ring onto Brian's finger. 

Again, a gaze of understanding flowed between the two lovers. In that short time, numerous years passed them by, allowing them short glances in the future. Of endless summers spent in Florida, two of them sitting in each other's arms on some sandy Miami beach. Relaxed enough to simply watch and laugh at their friends, who were sitting on the towels by their side. Somehow managing to transform the oggling of the fresh, hard male bodies walking by into a 9 to 5 job.

All _that_ could be waiting for them. The future bright as ever. Waiting to be snatched and enjoyed. And Brian decided to do just that. Once and for all.

He took Justin by the hand, his thumb slowly and probably unconciously massaging the warm palm of his partner.

“Come here, sunshine.” He sighed the words, as he led him to the bed. “Let me show you what you mean to me.” And, for a moment, stood once more blinded by his lover's smile. Lightly, he traced the endless planes of fair skin, the porcelain features that were all he longed to see for years to come. Because, this was all they needed. All that was real in the world. 

This was something to be kept alive and breathing. This sweet feeling of… _heaven_.

Brian pulled the sweater Justin wore over his head, while laying small kisses along his collarbone, licking his way over the smooth shoulder. Trembling fingertips dancing across the the lithe body, that he so inexplicably longed for. Something he prayed he would never get over.

Aching fingers for a moment paused on the button of Justin's pants. Justin covered his hands with his own and whispered into Brian's mouth, before meeting his lips in a kiss. _Make love to me, Brian._

Soon, the rest of their clothes was a thing of past. Left bundled and forgotten on the floor by the bed, as moans and whispers filled out the room.

Brian reverently traced the soft, white skin all the way down his lover's body, desperately dipping fingers into all the places hidden from the view. Small drops of sweat slid down his face, as he slowly entered Justin's body. But, there was also a certain sadness in their movements. 

Knowing that he wouldn't be able to bury himself in his lover's body every night he came home. Knowing the amount of distance that will be standing between them for five days of every week in the near future. Not being able to seek sanctuary in his partner's arms every moment he needed it... And he was certain that a lot of such moments layed in front of him.

Still, he was willing to do his best, to pull it off. More than anything else, he knew Justin needed to do that. And he wanted to be the one who will be by the young artist's side, when this storm passed through, and two of them finally sailed off onto the, more or less, peaceful sea.

A desperate moan fell from his lover's lips and imprinted itself deep into Brian's skin. Mouthful of hot breath warming his neck, as Brian trailed his lips down Justin's shoulder. Their breathing mingling in the air, taking a life of its own somewhere along the way. 

Just like the two of them.

This five years trip long trip, that Brian never even realized he wanted to take. 

Five years and they were still together. Probably stronger than ever before.

Brian gently cradled his lover's cheeks in the palms of his hands and lightly kissed his full mouth, slowing down movement of his lower body. He wanted to savour these moments.

“Brian?” Justin whispered, as he looked into his eyes, confused for a moment. Then, he understood what it meant. And smiled a beautiful smile at his partner.

“Can you feel it, sunshine?” Justin nodded, feeling every move Brian made. 

Every thrust into his body. 

Every arch of his lover's back. 

Every twist of Brian's hips, that brought them closer and closer to the edge.

As moonlight played across his face, something in the air around them shifted again. Moved and changed. Morphed into something even deeper. _Better._ And completely new to entire Brian's world. 

Justin inhaled his scent, heady and masculine, then kissed his warm lips.

“I love you, Brian. I always will.” He half-whispered, almost like taking an oath, never to be broken. Brian gently thumbed over his lover's lower lip, as Justin sucked the tip of his finger sinfully inside of his mouth. Brian grinned at the move. It made him love Justin all the more. As if that was even possible.

“Sunshine... ” He desperately sighed out the name, choked at the emotion threatening to get out. And Justin understood it all too well. Understood him more clearly than ever before. For that gift, Brian was grateful. He knew now they would be okay. 

They would prevail it all.

Slowly, he resumed his movements, resumed their lovemaking, a longing pushing him mercilessly ahead. His hard cock stretching smooth walls of his lover's ass, bending his insides to his will. Justin panted and whimpered, closing eyes tightly, completely lost in the pleasure. 

“Oh, God... Fuck! Brian... _Faster!_ ”

A hitch in his breath mixed with saliva, as sweat covered his body.

“Deeper... ” Brian gladly obeyed him, smiling at the man who's very essence surrounded him for the last five years. 

He just wanted to pull Justin inside his own body, hide him under his skin. And, if possible, protect him from the world with his last breath.

“Always deeper, sunshine.” He whispered into his neck, thrusting inside his lover's ass. 

With a final swivel of his hips, Justin suddenly arched underneath him, and shot his load all over Brian's stomach. Brian grinned down at him. As Justin's anal walls squeezed around his cock one more time, Brian followed him almost violently. Falling down in the ready arms of the one man that really meant everything to him.

Two men layed in each others arms in the middle of the bed for the longest time. As if removed from the outside world, while puffs of hot air floated around them.

If Brian could take only one memory into eternity, this would be it. This moment in time, when everything changed, and still stayed the same.

Uncertainly, he touched the now warm metal of the ring resting on Justin's finger, as if he feared, that it would disappear into thin air. And though he knew shit about romance, just one little word wouldn't kill him, right? 

This time would be different. It just had to be.

So, finally, he took a real chance on love, and made the decision to jump from his own cliff. 

He pushed long months of breathtaking pain and agony far behind into the past, memories of times that made him grow up and get over himself. Days of violin music and moves he had made, that used to be perfect and justified at those particular moments. Moves he made and regreted ever since. And yet, ironically, he couldn't wish they never happened. Because, that is the reason two of them were here together now. 

All that pain actually led them to this moment. 

“Sunshine, is this how forever feels like?” He whispered hopefully. Justin kissed him lovingly.

“Exactly like this, Brian.”

But this time, after the jump, Brian is certain, that Justin will be waiting wherever his feet land. Because this is what love means. Plus, this forever is a promise and Brian Kinney keeps his promises. Always.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
**EPILOGUE**  
_

 

_Three weeks later ~ Kinnetik, 8:43 PM_

Brian sat in his office, finishing one of his latest campaigns. Deep in concentration, he felt a vibrating in the breast pocket of his jacket. Without even a glance at the screen, he punched the button of the cell and answered, completely annoyed at the disturbance.

“What?!??” He growled into a phone, as he tiredly tried to massage out the knot in his shoulders. Not a moment later, a familiar chuckle travelled over the line.

“Well, hello to you too, partner.” And Brian couldn't help himself. 

He smiled.

“Sunshine…What's up? Beside the obvious.” Tongue in cheek and well known smirk painted his face. 

Justin laughed at that ever-present smirk, which he just **knew** was there.

“Ah, the illustrious Brian Kinney, the most transparently predictable queer in the world... ” 

Brian rolled his eyes in a false annoyance, as his voice carried over the phone line.

“Are you calling **me** predictable, you twat?” His partner's almost-chuckle went right to Brian's dick and he readjusted his pants a little.

“Yes. Wanna do something about it?” Brian sighed. _‘Well, lots of things, sunshine, but I need you a lot closer than this for something like that..’_ , Brian thought to himself.

All of a sudden, the mood in the conversation shifted, and silence stretched for few seconds too long. Both men thinking the same thing. 

Brian interrupted the disturbing direction the talk was about head in, by clearing his throat. It did the job well.

“You know, I was just finishing the papers today for what we talked about before you left.” And he could _feel_ a smile on Justin's face finally.

“Uhm, for the Kinnetik's NY branch? Wow, you actually managed to squeeze **that** in your busy schedule, now that I'm not there to annoy your ass to death, huh?” Another laugh travelled over the phone line that connected New York and Pittsburgh.

“OK, you just poke fun at me, sunshine. We'll see if you'll ever again have my ass in your near vicinity.” Brian grinned at the sputtering on the other side. 

“OK, OK, no poking anymore from me. Satisfied, you big drama queen?” Justin grumbled for a split moment. But the teasing tone was undeniably still there in his voice.

“Well, I didn't say no poking **at all**. _Some_ poking can be somewhat enjoyed, as you know... At least, my ass remembers pretty well our last weekend together.” 

Justin simply laughed knowingly at those words. Nope, there was definitely noone like Brian Kinney in this world. Justin was sure of that.

“Christ, Brian, we better talk business before this phone call spirals into phone sex, like it always does.”

Justin could just envision in his mind the face of his partner right at that moment. 

Slightly arched eyebrow, tongue in cheek. And he wished for a hundredth time today, that Brian was already by his side, sitting in the loft, that Justin managed to rent on the first day he arrived to Big Apple. Of course, that included two and a half hour phone “discussion” with Brian, a whole lot of compromises and a promise of around 10000 blowjobs, when Brian came to New York on weekends. 

Finally, after almost driving each other crazy over the line and Justin already planning to burn to crisp every single Armani suit that Brian owned, they agreed on the attic loft on 10th Avenue, right in the middle of Mannhattan's Theater district. 

Both men actually managed to agree that **some** cultural uplifting can't be the worst thing possible, if _‘taken in small bottles’_ , as Brian so eloquently put it, and yet, Central park was in the walking distance for the times when Gus would be visiting.

“So, Brian, when can I expect your esteemed ass here?”

“Well, considering the pace that things evolve on this end, I would say in about 3 weeks. A month, at the most, I think… Will you manage to live by then without me, sunshine?” Brian grinned, as he heard a tortured sigh on the other end.

“Ah, I guess I'll just have to. It's not like I can replace you for a better model this late in the season.” Brian laughed at the obvious teasing, before returning the sentiment. 

“Christ, you are one sick puppy, Justin Taylor. You do know that, right?” 

“Mr. Kinney, that is just part of my charm.” 

“Taylor, could you not stick a tongue at me? I don`t think you are five anymore. Well, I choose to think so.” 

“Shut up, Brian! And you are calling **me** a baby? Yet, you are the biggest baby in the world!”

“I am not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Am not.”

“Well, you sure act like it now.” Justin stifled a giggle at the frustrated Brian. He was just too easy. 

“Are you actually pouting now, you drama queen?” 

“Jesus, Justin, what do you have there? A big fucking camera or something?” Justin laughed, the sound of his laughter filling the NY loft. 

“OK, lover, don`t pop a vessel. I'm just teasing you. I just miss you like hell.” A deep sigh on both ends explained the short silence. 

“Damn, I can hardly wait to show you around our neighbourhood! Brian, you'll love living in New York. This city is so fucking fantastic!” Brian smiled, as he listened carefully to the excitement in his partner's voice.

“Me too, sunshine. Me too.” Things were definitely looking up.

For about ten seconds, there was something amazingly sentimental hugging the air around them. And then, as before, mood changed once more. 

This time, for the better, when Justin finally spoke.

“Soooo… Lets talk more about that poking you so casually mentioned earlier-” The laughter on the Pittsburgh side of the line was the greatest thing Justin ever heard.

Oh, yeah. 

This was the life they deserved. Against the odds, the future looked so damn bright, that they better invest heavily in shades. 

Huh! A life together in New York, no less, Justin thought to himself, as he absentmindedly played with his ring. Who in the right mind would have guessed, that they would actually make this far on this long and winding road. 

And slowly, but surely, he is beginning to realize the way this love thing **really** works. That even forever may not be long enough for what they have. But, he is more than fine with that. They will just have to make their own version of forever. 

Because, when he thinks about love, he is always thinking about Brian Kinney.


End file.
